Friendship Fighting Contract

If, like me, you can't handle another fight with your friend this year, here is a legally binding friendship agreement. All future disputes require a third-party judge to decide who apologizes first.

Dear Client,

Friendship is a legally binding agreement. Please find the terms and conditions below.

SERVICES:

Co-Rumination, Stalking, Encouragement, Location Tracking, and All Voo-Doo Doll Activity.

Person A agrees to provide upwards of 152 years of hearing about your exes. If a marriage was not present, the amount of permissible rehashing and reimagining of "what-if" scenarios will be determined based on the number of years spent together. In friendship law, any non-married relationship lasting over five years is considered common-law and thus qualifies for advanced nostalgia privileges, obsessive discussions, and all necessary voo-doo activities.

In the event that a marriage—or a child—was present at any time, unlimited access will be granted to trauma debriefings, psychological assessments of ex-in-laws, and analysis of red flags ignored in real-time.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If a disgruntled ex exists—married or unmarried—location services must be turned on and shared at all times. I repeat: MUST BE TURNED ON AND SHARED AT ALL TIMES.

Co-Rumination Clause:

The following scale determines the duration of talking-about-your-ex allowances:

• 0-1 month: Please, for the love of God.

• 1-3 months: 3-6 months max (failure-to-launch trauma applies).

• 3-9 months: 1 year.

• 1-2 years: 2 years.

• 2-3 years: 5 years.

• 3-4 years: 7 years.

• 5+ years, marriage of any length, and presence of a child: Lifetime Access Granted.

Stalking Clause:

Person A may request Person B to check their ex’s social media under the following conditions:

1. Screenshot requests are unlimited (within reason and discretion).

2. If Person A asks to use Person B’s account to stalk their ex, this is limited to a 5x per year max.

3. If Person A exceeds this 5-time max, Person B is required by friendship law to change her password.

We are not in the business of enabling compulsion, ladies. Beyond five times, you need a burner—not a best friend.

Encouragement Clause:

Encouragement must be provided permanently and without hesitation unless aiding and abetting a full-blown personality disorder.

However, when asked "Am I prettier than her?" the only legally acceptable response is YES.

Failure to comply is punishable by up to 3 years in friendship prison.

Location Tracking Clause:

For the third and final time:

• If a disgruntled ex exists—location services must be turned on.

• If no ex is present, location tracking can be shared at will.

• If location is abruptly turned off after an agreement to share, data suggests a fight is imminent, and the party who removed tracking is cited for petty behavior.

CONSEQUENCES:

• If location services are removed during an active fight, friendship services will be canceled free of charge.

• All active voo-doo doll activity will be redirected at the person who turned off location tracking.

Voo-Doo Activity Clause:

Friendship requires shared enemies. Voo-doo dolls exist to uphold these allegiances.

If either party is an actual witch, all voo-doo activity must be monitored by a 3rd Party Witches & Warlock Committee.

FIGHTING CLAUSE:

• 1 fight of varying sound octaves is permissible per year.

• If a second fight occurs within the same calendar year, a third party mediator must be enlisted.

• If a fight lasts longer than 1 month, white flag texts and/or emails must be sent.

FRIENDSHIP DORMANCY CONSEQUENCES:
Friendships in dormancy may transition into enemy territory if the following occur:

1. You publicly talk shit about each other on the internet.

2. You fuck each other's exes.

3. You become best friends with the other person’s ex-best friend.

TERMINATION CLAUSE:

All active friendships—regardless of quality—will be TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY upon fucking your friend’s boyfriend or husband.

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Signatures:

Person A: ____________________
Person B: ____________________